The 70-year itch.
- Tracy Berg
- May 9, 2017
- 4 min read
Not my residents, but I've seen some of their wedding photos and they look like this.
I came into work early one Friday morning, around 6am. I had some work to do to get an apartment ready for a new resident moving in, so I sleepily walked upstairs and noticed Rod* rolling down the hallway in his power chair toward me. When he got closer, I saw his hair was all mussed like he’d just woken up, and I realized he was rolling toward his apartment, not away from it.
‘Good morning, Rod.’ I said, trying to add a chipper note to my voice. ‘Good morning, Tracy!’ he replied, sound much more enthused with his morning than I was. And it was easy to guess why; he was coming from the direction of his lady-friend’s room, where he had most likely spent the night.
As we age, so many things innately change: our emotions, our hormones, our physical appearance, etc. One thing that doesn’t change is our need for human connection, including intimacy. If you’re starting to get uncomfortable reading this, I’d stop here, because it’s only going to get worse. That’s right: I’m talking old folks and s-e-x.
They became fast friends once Irene* moved in, mostly due to the fact that they both use power chairs and have a shared love of ‘road trips’ down the block. One day, early in the morning, Rod pushed his pendant to call for assistance, and staff found him in Irene’s bedroom on the floor practically in his birthday suit. He was cool as a cucumber, stating he’d had a little tumble and needed some assistance in righting himself, and didn’t act in any way as though he’d been discovered in a compromising situation.
Rod and his lady friend, a newer resident, are both consenting adults who do not have a dementia diagnosis, and therefore we as a facility are very limited with what intervening we can do. We had a discussion with her about not feeling pressured into anything, and a discussion with him about safety and respecting boundaries, and that’s about it.
Dr. Walter Bortz, Longevity and Healthy Aging Expert, proved through his research that a long, healthy life is possible, and that keeping physically active, including sexually active, is an important part of this. He says that, ‘People that have sex live longer. Married people live longer. People need people. The more intimate the connection, the more powerful the effects.’ Years ago, Rod suffered a horrible stroke that left one side of his body almost entirely paralyzed, and resulted in his moving into our ALF. Recently, he had become more withdrawn, and was showing symptoms of depression. With Irene in his life, however, he has been cheerful, bubbly, and found a new purpose to keep him going – taking care of her. Although he can’t assist her physically, he was just in my office yesterday letting me know that Irene’s power chair needed fixing, and he’d called the repair company but could I possibly call them too and follow up?
One of our residents is fairly young (think late 60s) and gorgeous, and when she moved in she quickly won the affections of the men who live in our community. One prevailed, and even though he no longer lives in our ALF, he still makes the drive over once or twice a week to bring her flowers or drop off the cat they own together. Sometimes they squabble, and she tells me ‘it’s over’ no matter how many flowers he brought her that week. For about a month there was talk of an engagement, but then someone said something and they went through a period of not speaking (don’t worry, they’re back together now). She has told me (without me asking in any way, believe me) that he wants to be intimate, but that she refuses unless they’re married, and she isn’t sure if she wants to marry him because they can be so hot and cold. Does this sound like a college relationship? Keep in mind she’s in her late 60s, and he’s fast approaching 100 years old, and note that clearly some things never change. They love having a dramatic relationship and being the talk of the home, and my guess is at some point we’ll see a shiny diamond ring on her hand, but who knows. That’s the point thought – the excitement, the friendship, the intimacy…these are the things that are keeping this couple interested in living, and it’s working for them.
There is a lot of stigma around older folks being physical in an intimate way. A Duke study showed that some 20 percent of people over 65 reported having better sex lives than ever before, but while doctors are applauding healthy, safe relationships for seniors, they are still generally frowned on by society**. Perhaps reading this has made you uncomfortable, but I want to help promote the idea that your life doesn’t end when you move into an ALF or a SNF. If you’re married, you can continue to thrive in all ways, and if you’re single, there’s a way to meet someone new and experience love all over again.
*Indicates a name has been changed
**Friendly reminder to consult your physician to discuss what physical activities are safe for you
